I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
