Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
