hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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