i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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