Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why is your signature on my underwear?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
