Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
