She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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