I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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