3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Floor bacon is actually really good
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
