That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
