i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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