About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
