I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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