Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
