i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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