I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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