you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
