he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
