bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
