I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
