well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
