Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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