Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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