he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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