Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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