I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
