Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
