but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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