see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
