The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
