I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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