I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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