Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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