I feel like abortions should bother me more
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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