Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
