where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
