it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
