Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
