I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please, let me fuck your mom
My hand turned me down
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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