I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
