I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
