Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
