i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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