Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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