Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
