Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
