Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
