So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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