last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
