i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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