3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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