Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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