The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
