I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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