does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
