Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
